Status of my life

I am not a prophet to preach, but I presume that I am a human who can understand the reality of this materialistic world with my limited knowledge and who is in search of the ultimate truth.

I never thought that there is a requirement to think when I was novice and everything is going on smoothly without any disturbance. I was an enthusiastic observer of everything in this world and I am just living my life. Only failure is the reason in my life which gave me sorrow, frustration and forced me to think and after that my understanding of life changed subsequently so many meanings changed and ultimately duality of life vanished. I am grateful to that situation in my life which I thought as failure. It doesn’t mean situations changed, it is simply my perspective of life changed.

During this travel from when I started questioning life to understanding of life in its complexity there was a question which bothered me the most. It is “Why I am here and what is my destiny?”

After so much of logic and reasoning and understanding life scientifically to my knowledge’s best the answer I found was rather vague. It is like “It happened and I am here and whatever things I am doing I have least control of situations and maybe whatever I am doing have some impact on the surroundings in and out and the stream is continuing”. I am lost. I am afraid. There is nothing more to think or say. I stopped logic and reasoning and tried to focus to just have control on my nerves. It happened one night and I burst into tears. The experience that engulfed me has given me immense ecstasy. The feeling is beyond comprehension. I got my world back. Till that time what seemed to me as impossible has become trivial. From then onwards nothing bothered me anymore.

For me further there is nothing left to conquer or prove to anybody.  I am subdued in my own world. Then I wondered are there any people who are having such experiences other than me. I read about so many people, their faiths, religions, history and at one point of time the things seemed like alliteration and I stopped further reading about anybody. I found that there are so many people around me floating with the same experience. I stopped asking the question which bothered me the most because it has lost its meaning.

Then I thought if I am having such an ecstasy sitting amidst all my surroundings and focussing then what immense pleasure those people sitting away from these surroundings and doing penance may be deriving. Whether to give up this family and other earthly pleasures to have that ecstasy continuously or to continue the same way as it is going. I tried to get aloof for some time and kick start that feel again. Then I found still there are some things in my life which I am still attached to and till that time I don’t detach myself completely whether I stay in it or out of it means same thing. Place has nothing to do with mental status but to some extent it affects till you get total grip of your internal things. This is the phase in life where I am now.

Why today I wanted to share this experience of mine is my friend RK said his student wants to donate all the ancestral property to some orphanage and he is trying to give clarity that instead of doing that he can do that charity works directly because may be the orphanage is properly run or not and after affects of not having money can be crucial and even I expressed the same idea.

My question to that student is whether he is ready after all introspection of himself or he simply wants to buy a feeling for a second and feeling bad taste for balance of his life. Because definitely money can’t buy happiness but it will give physical comforts. After so much of introspection, logic, reasoning and mystic experiences I am still struggling to leave this physical comfort zone, is he ready to be totally detached from this earthly pleasures. If he has gone through the phase through which RK Paramahamsa has gone through and reached pinnacle maybe he might have traversed a different path to reach there then it is up to him to do it his way or otherwise refrain.